I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
