ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
