I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
