Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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