yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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