I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Randomize
