she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
