How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
