my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
