took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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