Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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