Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
