Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
