Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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