I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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