Your mouth is God's brothel.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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