I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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