i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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