i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
