This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Boobs are out for the taking
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
