I wish my penis had an off switch
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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