i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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