i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
What a dumb baby whore.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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