Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
