I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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