we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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