just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
