Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
