nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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