So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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