Pregnant stripper...not hot.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
