Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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