Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
