I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
