filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
