i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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