Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We're too hungover to prance.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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