My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
