What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
