He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
