just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
