I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
