There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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