I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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