Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
