there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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