i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
