I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
