My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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