wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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